@KaremIBarratt
I admit it, sometimes complaints can be fun, especially if it is not you doing the ranting. They can even help us bond together, turn strangers into friends and help improve coffee sales. But…they are very draining too, physically and energetically. They certainly do not alleviate stress levels and worse, many a time they actually achieve nothing. Moreover, complaining can chain us to the negative aspects of things and make us feel powerless -not the best emotions to feel if we want positive results in our life.
“Behind every complaint there is a wish”, a teacher once told me. In all honesty, I had no idea what he meant at the time, but I think I am getting it now. When I complain that the bus is always late, I am truly wishing for a reliable form of transportation. Once I understand this, I can start studying the different options there are for this wish to come true -or as close to reality as possible.
Hence, it could be that my first option is to write a complain letter to the bus company. Helpful, but no really that compelling. How about if I ask all the people at the bus stop to sign a petition? Or start an online petition so more people can join my cause? If this no the path for me, I may contemplate other forms of transportation. Perhaps sharing a cab with friends or do carpooling with work colleagues; getting a bicycle or start saving for a car. It could be that the fastest solution is to get out to work earlier, so the “late” bus would actually be on time, and do something meanwhile that either amuses, informs or enlightens me. And if all things fail, there is always meditation and prayer, to keep me centred amidst the chaos. In any case, I move from the impotence of a mere complaint into the power of aimed action.
In this bus example, the hidden wish behind the complaint is more or less obvious. Sometimes, however, we have to dig a little deeper. When I complain because the house is a mess, what is the wish behind the complaint? A sparkling tidy home? Or a more cooperative family? Validation for the effort I put in creating an inviting and loving home? Or more appreciation for the family unit by all its members?
It could be that the answer comprises all of the above, at different levels. In this case the suggestion is to deal with the deeper one first. It would be probably the most difficult and complex to work with, but once the hard work is done, it will be easier to face the other levels of the wish. Remember that we don’t have to do it all ourselves, particularly if the complaint/wish involves other people. Once we have figure out the first steps to take, let’s not only ask those people to support us, but give then ideas on how to do it.
There is a natural tendency in a lot of us to see the world black or white. So before I finish this reflection, allow me to clarify something. There are complaints, and there are complaints. Raising your voice in the appropriate way, using the correct channels to highlight something that is not working as it should, is perfectly legitimate, even necessary. The complaints I’ve been talking about are those that seem to go nowhere, that stick to our vocabulary, and become part of our everyday, until they start defining us and the way we see the world. Those are neither helpful nor useful complaints. Or perhaps they are…if we learn to use them to understand ourselves better. And if we have the courage to move beyond the wish, to the effective action that actually creates change.
Journeying Soul 